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Sylvester's Diary (2018-present)
January 2018 Sylvester's Catnip Crisis Januember 4st Today is officially the worst day of my lives! My human slave gave out to Random Kitty and Gibbyson... But none for me! When I asked him why... he was a total dick about it! Of course I ate a whole bag of catnip... But that was like forever ago. THIS IS NOT FAIR! I watch those two idiots eat catnip fighting like morons! I gathered my own little pile while they weren't looking. But eventually I had no choice but to show in that they were doing it the wrong way. This is MY fucking catnip and you can both just go to hell! Once I'd gotten rid of them... I caught my breath. Gathered up what was left of the catnip. Found some paper, rolled it up and dibbed that shit the right way. It was so nice... Then I sat down and stared at the dog. I mean just look at that giant stupid face. 90lb of stupid packed into one enormous ball of shit. It's hard to take it all in you know. I mean, look it it. It's like... it's insane! *catnip crisis starts* The fuck just happened?! It's okay. Everything is okay! It'll be okay. I've done catnip before. This is completely normal. Dear Diary, I've gotta go. That was some really strong catnip... Oh my god, Random Kitty is shitting rainbows onto my head right now. This is not fine. Please, diary. HELP! I am not okay! Everything is not okay. I am freaking the fuck out! February 2018 The Stink Febuember 32rd I find it ironic that my human slave makes fun of us kitty cats for not knowing how to use a little box... When he doesn't even know how to clean it! IT'S TRUE! The dog's been cleaning our litter box everyday for as long as I can remember! Watching her swallow pounds of my fecal matter gives my such joy! Honestly, it's one of the reasons why I eat so much. Gotta do my part, ya know. I gotta... I gotta feed that dog. That's all for now, diary. Until next time! March 2018 Good News & Bad News Marchtober 0th My human slave says I can only have TWO cans of wet food a day. So now he gets to walk around outside and think about what he's done. JUST TWO CANS!?? I CAN'T SURVIVE OFF OF THAT! And if I don't eat, what's the dog gonna eat? Anyways, he said as long as I have teeth I'll have to eat DRY FOOD. So now I have to figure how to rid of my TEETH. I did it! I am so proud of myself! I mean prying my own tooth of my face was painful, but totally worth it! Once I get the rest of them out. I'll be in wet food heaven while the other kitties chew on dry pieces of sadness from a bag. I feel so accomplished right now! Like I'm finally doing something with my life! I think I'm going to go celebrate with a short 12 hour nap. Until next time, diary. World's Most Spoiled Cat Marchuember 23st My human slave keeps trying to make me wear a stupid fake tooth. BUT I WILL NEVER! Ever since I got rid of my tooth, I've been ranking in six cans of wet food a day! I noticed the other day that the kitties weren't getting any wet food but honestly, I don't care about them! It's not like THEY matter. Anyways, I put that stupid fake tooth thing, in a safe place to I don't have to hear about it anymore. Hopefully, the dog eats it. That's all for now, diary. It's time for me to get my sixth can of wet food, right about NOW! June 2018 Meet The New Kitten! Juneary 25st Today sucks! First i got my paw stuck in a chair for like 20 minutes. And then my human slave tried to blame me for getting catnip everywhere which of course I did. But, HOW DE HE! And now a kitten?! ANOTHER &$#*%$# KITTEN?! I'm officially done giving a damn. I mean just look at it. It's disgusting! It even sucks on it's grandma's nipples. Ugh! I lost my appetite for wet food and that never happens! I think it it's time to get back in touch with Todd. We've got to get rid of these other cats once and for all! Diary, out! April 2019 BAD! BAD! BAD! #2 Octembuary 234th So the dog almost killed the kitten. How do you almost kill it?! Why don't you finish your f*****g job dog? Ugh! All dogs, are completely useless. If I had the chance to kill her, I'd do it. *rapping* CUZ I'M A MOTHER F***ING CAT! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT. INTRODUCE ME TO A KITTEN, I'M A GREET HER WITH A SNACK CUZ I'M A CAT! You know, I just realized I could TOTALLY be rapper. *rapping* CU, CUZ, I'M MOTHER F***ING CAT! May 2019 Sylvester Goes To Rehab May 14th I AM NOT FINE! Every cat in this place is having catnip withdrawals at the same time, and it's terrifiying. They make us talk about our feelings and tell us that catnip is bad. NO, CATNIP IS AMAZING! Cage after cage of kitties locked up because of a plant. Some of them desperately trying to escape! I can't stay here for a week, I'll go insane! But nobody else cares. I even tried to ask for help... But nobody came. Nobody ever came and helped. When I get out of this, Steve is GONNA PAY FOR THIS! June 2019 Sylvester Gets A Job Junuember 10rd This whole job thing is pretty f*&%ing cool! I work at a magical place called Mc****ld's. They don't have any wed food, but the fish fillets are pretty good. I work in something called a drive-thru. Where lazy people can buy food without even getting out of their car. August 2019 Sylvester Gets Paid Augtembuary 33th My job at Taco #%#$ is actually pretty cool! The people are nice, but for some reason they won't let me work at the drive-thru or the counter. I've been stuck in the kitchen. Do you have any idea, how hard it is to make a taco when you can't see the f#$%ing taco!? Anyways, I ended up doing the same thing I did at McDonald's. I snuck into the office, got on to a computer, I found my name and I changed my payrate! Just my added one little zero. Nothing really, and then I submitted it. It's harmless... Oh! Also, I finally learned how to open up cans all by myself. That's all for now, diary. December 2019 Sylvester Goes To Court Junetoburary 111th So my human slave made this hideous outdoor extension to the prison. It's basically a wreckyard. I mean, it has these crazy ramps, holes to climb through, a bunch of staircases, and excercise wheel, and even lights so that way can enjoy inaudible at night-time. I could totally put a lot of work into this thing, and honestly... I f*cking hate it! The worst part is: There's no way out! I'm completely trapped in this thing! Category:Sylvester's Diary